4.
Don't talk trash; don't call each other names........ like
- you're a POS, you look like a @#%&*, you're a liar, you're a pig. Or words that tend to put down and demean the other. If your partner is a liar, or a pig why did you marry him/her? The things you say in anger actually boomerangs and makes you look stupid. Talking trash
is
verbal violence. It hurts the person in a deeper way. It strikes at the core, the persona, the gut. Words spoken that hurt the persona are never forgotten even if forgiven. When things go bad between you and your mate, as they sometimes do, hurting words are remembered and the pain recurs. Be very careful with the words you use. To tell the truth, cuss words are a shade better than put-down words, because they are generic, in a manner of speaking. In fact, many cuss words in our dialect are utterly meaningless. Put down words, on the other hand are personal and really fully loaded. Be very careful. Words like these build resentment. An overload of resentment breeds contempt. When contempt enters the picture mutual respect disappears, and relationships become shallow. Then, civility is all that holds you together. And, hyprocrisy reigns supreme!
5. Stick to the issue at hand: Never dig up issues of past conflicts. What's the logic here? If you keep digging up past issues you cannot resolve the fight quickly. The point of open conflict is to air out your differences so you could end it. The sooner the better. The problem is, when people fight they suddenly remember past wrongs - real or imagined (mostly imagined.) They feel that the only way to exact justice for the "wrong" done to them is to linger in the fight by digging more and more in the hope of making the other party miserable! Jeez! Really? Could the bones of past conflicts be used as weapons to fight the current war? Nope. It does not happen that way. The more you dig, the more
you become miserable. Why? As you dig some more, more of the pain associated with past conflicts come up to hurt you. So, you enter a cycle of - dig - pain, dig - pain, dig - pain - and on , and on, and on. If you are the type that works like a broken record you may never get out of the rut. Ah, sweetheart believe me. You don't want to be a martyr. You're not a pain junkie. Although some people are. The martyrs linger in the rut to feed their syndrome. There are no winners in a prolonged conflict. Since you are both trying hard to build a beautiful relationship, you both lose if you fail here.
6. Do not retreat: Face up to the issue, and finish the fight. Generally, husbands are good at this game. But, it is counterproductive. Retreating from the conflict leaves it hanging in the air. What are you gonna do, postpone it? What about that simmering feeling deep down? Indi mo ni pwede kapan-kapanon. (You cannot sweep this under the rug.) That's the work of an escape artist. But, why do many husbands "escape" from an open conflict? They do it when their wives start to nag. Husbands who cannot get in one word when their wives start to nag feel verbally impotent. Some turn their wives into punching bags (physical expression of unvoiced emotions), some shout louder to drown out the other (of course, when one gets louder, the other tries to be even louder). Still others just leave the scene of battle. Some use alcohol seemingly to "forget the problem." (Wouldn't work). Some just brood. (Wouldn't work either). Getting drunk does not solve the problem because when the alcohol wears off the problem is still there. Brooding, on the other hand, simply aggravates the feeling of anger and resentment. When you brood you dwell more and more on the problem. When the conflicting partners do not resolve the issue by retreating, it festers like a canker sore. The longer it festers the more problematic it gets. That's why so many fights last for months even years. Those who fail to resolve conflicts just decide to call it quits, and split. Irreconcilable differences, indeed! Or is it simply selfishness? (More to follow).
4. Don't talk trash; don't call each other names........ like - you're a POS, you look like a @#%&*, you're a liar, you're a pig. Or words that tend to put down and demean the other. If your partner is a liar, or a pig why did you marry him/her? The things you say in anger actually boomerangs and makes you look stupid. Talking trash is verbal violence. It hurts the person in a deeper way. It strikes at the core, the persona, the gut. Words spoken that hurt the persona are never forgotten even if forgiven. When things go bad between you and your mate, as they sometimes do, hurting words are remembered and the pain recurs. Be very careful with the words you use. To tell the truth, cuss words are a shade better than put-down words, because they are generic, in a manner of speaking. In fact, many cuss words in our dialect are utterly meaningless. Put down words, on the other hand are personal and really fully loaded. Be very careful. Words like these build resentment. An overload of resentment breeds contempt. When contempt enters the picture mutual respect disappears, and relationships become shallow. Then, civility is all that holds you together. And, hyprocrisy reigns supreme!
5. Stick to the issue at hand: Never dig up issues of past conflicts. What's the logic here? If you keep digging up past issues you cannot resolve the fight quickly. The point of open conflict is to air out your differences so you could end it. The sooner the better. The problem is, when people fight they suddenly remember past wrongs - real or imagined (mostly imagined.) They feel that the only way to exact justice for the "wrong" done to them is to linger in the fight by digging more and more in the hope of making the other party miserable! Jeez! Really? Could the bones of past conflicts be used as weapons to fight the current war? Nope. It does not happen that way. The more you dig, the more you become miserable. Why? As you dig some more, more of the pain associated with past conflicts come up to hurt you. So, you enter a cycle of - dig - pain, dig - pain, dig - pain - and on , and on, and on. If you are the type that works like a broken record you may never get out of the rut. Ah, sweetheart believe me. You don't want to be a martyr. You're not a pain junkie. Although some people are. The martyrs linger in the rut to feed their syndrome. There are no winners in a prolonged conflict. Since you are both trying hard to build a beautiful relationship, you both lose if you fail here.
6. Do not retreat: Face up to the issue, and finish the fight. Generally, husbands are good at this game. But, it is counterproductive. Retreating from the conflict leaves it hanging in the air. What are you gonna do, postpone it? What about that simmering feeling deep down? Indi mo ni pwede kapan-kapanon. (You cannot sweep this under the rug.) That's the work of an escape artist. But, why do many husbands "escape" from an open conflict? They do it when their wives start to nag. Husbands who cannot get in one word when their wives start to nag feel verbally impotent. Some turn their wives into punching bags (physical expression of unvoiced emotions), some shout louder to drown out the other (of course, when one gets louder, the other tries to be even louder). Still others just leave the scene of battle. Some use alcohol seemingly to "forget the problem." (Wouldn't work). Some just brood. (Wouldn't work either). Getting drunk does not solve the problem because when the alcohol wears off the problem is still there. Brooding, on the other hand, simply aggravates the feeling of anger and resentment. When you brood you dwell more and more on the problem. When the conflicting partners do not resolve the issue by retreating, it festers like a canker sore. The longer it festers the more problematic it gets. That's why so many fights last for months even years. Those who fail to resolve conflicts just decide to call it quits, and split. Irreconcilable differences, indeed! Or is it simply selfishness? (More to follow).
1 comment:
Hi,
I liked your article, Sound Advice.
The problem is how to keep our emotions under control.
Regards,
JP
http://positiveconflicts.blogspot.com
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