For my niece............

You're about to get married. It would be nice for you to know some things about marriage. This is especially for you L M. (Perhaps, you could share this with K?)

Basically, marriage is a process that begins when the two of you meet for the first time. Why is it a process? It is a process for the simple reason that it is something that you work on, and you have to follow certain methods or principles to make it work. Generally a process has a start and a finish. With marriage though, while it may have to start somewhere, there is no ending to it. It is, as with many other things, a lifelong process.

So, what takes place when you two meet? Well, obviously, you begin to study each other; little things like - how your future mate walks, smiles, talks, how he gestures. For his part, he does the same thing. Then as the relationship deepens, the process gets more complicated. The intellect and emotion come into play, and more intensive study and observation take place. Mutual vibrations are an important factor here. Do you feel good when he is around? Is it true for him?

To Think Is To Create

When you start to study your feelings toward him you will realize that love is not just a matter of emotion. More precisely, it is a decision. Why? You cannot use your emotion for rational thought. You have to use your head. When your intellect goes to work, a lot of questions pop up in your head. Like -"when I turn 50 will he still love me? When I grow fat will I still be appealing to him?" Crazy? Well, let me tell you the mind asks a lot of questions and most of them are crazy!"Will he be able to provide for me and our kids later on? Can I sustain my love for him when he is old and gray?" Remember, marriage is a partnership for keeps. Those who got divorced didn't know what they were getting into in the first place. The truth is, if they followed the process closely and maintained a healthy balance between the intellect and emotion they wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. These people simply used their emotions more than their intellect.

One important process you have to follow in studying your mate is picturization. Picture now in your mind (the mind again! your emotion cannot do this) how your mate would look like 25-30 years from now. Then, having that mental picture try to focus on it (is he fat and ugly? sloppy? thin and sickly? still vibrant and strong? still wearing that beautiful smile despite the years?" Now, ANALYSE your feelings about that picture because the person that you see in your mind's EYE is your lifelong mate, and that person would look exactly like that when the time comes. Remember, we create with our minds and nothing happens by chance. Things happen the way they do because we WILLED them so.


Marriages Are Made on Earth Not In Heaven

Another thing you should know is that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. You have to work hard to make it perfect. By that I don't mean perfect perfect. It simply means that for your own purposes it is working. Some couples appear to enjoy married life more than others. Are their marriages perfect? No. They're just good in making their marriages work. Imagine joining together two persons from diverse backgrounds, different family cultures, each with unique habits, likes and dislikes, each with different sets of values, maybe each with different ambitions, maybe even different intellectual levels. People, even those who share many things in common, look at the world from different perspectives. One of these factors alone could be a potential source of conflict. When two unique individuals are made to live together, the individuality of one will seek its own light and will inevitably clash with the individuality of the other. When that happens, fireworks could occur.

You still wonder why you fight? It's a normal thing. What is not normal is when you fail to make adjustments. And, this is one more thing you should understand. Marriage is a never-ending process of adjusting to each other. Adjusting and making compromises. This is why selfishness has no place in marriage. If you're used to having your own way while still single, you have to learn to give when you're married. Later, you'll see that those words being recited by the priests when you exchange vows are not empty phrases. They are full of meaning, and if you take them to heart you'll have a better chance of making your marriage work for the two of you.

Male - Female Differences

Part of the adjusting process involves knowing that a man and a woman act and react differently to situations, events, and stimuli. Why? Simply because they are made differently - a man is masculine and a woman is feminine. Although all human persons are androgynous (a normal person has both the masculine and feminine aspects), a man is predominantly masculine and a woman is predominantly feminine. This means that their physical, mental, emotional, and psychological make-ups are different. Feminine and masculine are simply worlds apart. Now, if either assumes that just because one feels, or thinks this way, then the other should feel, and think that way too then the situation is primed for disaster. It just doesn't work out that way.

Let's take this issue a bit further, and maybe digress a bit. On the physical aspect, man is stronger and woman is weaker (I'm speaking in general terms - no need to philosophize). Man has muscles; woman has curves. Now, try to understand why this is so. In the natural course of events ( as nature intended!), man is suppose to be the protector of woman. That's why man is physically stronger than woman.

Going deeper into the issue of physical differences, man has a different genital and reproductive structure than woman. Again, why? You need to go back to the good old book. Assuming you have a Bible, read Genesis, Chapter I, verse 28 where it says, "God blessed them (First man and woman) saying, 'Be fertile and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion etc. etc'....." Could God or the Bible be more explicit than that? That is a Divine admonition or better still, a command from God. That should put to rest the hot issue of why can't ...... forget it. That's another topic. The point is, the primary purpose of marriage is procreation (having children). This means that as husband and wife you are now co-creators with God in the act of creation. You have the power to co-create through the reproductive process each given your unique physical attributes. If people don't follow this command mankind would be extinct, or worse children that will replenish humanity will be born out of test tubes. Then, sex would be just that- sex. A word. Maybe something to act out, perhaps, enjoy at your leisure. When this happens the human person would be no more than ......... never mind.

The Stages

Okay. Now, more on the technical side. Marriage goes through a cycle that begins with courtship and goes round and round. . . . . .

First Stage - the Honeymoon Stage. As I said earlier, part of this stage is courtship, where you go on dates, outings, when only the two of you spend time together to get to know each other better. It's the time when you made plans for your future together; how many kids you're gonna have; where do you send them to school. Where you plan to set up residence, SoCal or maybe Alaska? (You didn't go into this? Come on!) It's not just the honeymoon where you go to Vegas, or Niagara Falls, or on a cruise around the Carribbean. The honeymoon stage is either long or short depending on how soon you got married after your steady days. Part of it of course is the preparation for the wedding, and the wedding ceremony itself. Then after the honeymoon proper it could extend for a period of time depending on how soon the shocking reality of married life strikes you full blast in the face.

Some experts say that the honeymoon stage is an artificial stage because much of what happens between the partners take place within the boundaries of courtship. Courtship is like.. ..... have you seen a rooster trying to make out with a hen? Courtship is basically like that. Although "marriage" is expressed in a different manner, the modality is similar. After the wooing, the female yields and the "fun" (the wedding/ marriage) takes place. Something like that. The point is, the rooster is showing off, preening, flapping it's wings, crowing -( whatever) ; the male of the specie displaying his best devil-may-care posture, as if to say "if you don't want me, there are others better", and the hen, the female, plays coy - running away, playing hard to get, trying to safeguard the treasure of the feminine. Here lies the artificiality. Behind all these "fooling around" is the basic need for intimacy.

But, I don't fully subscribe to this. While this maybe true in the earlier stages, courtship gets real the moment the partners begin to make plans and assume the posture of possession (the act of owning each other). When they fight it becomes more real. Fighting in this instance could be due to a conflict of interest ("you have no more time for me/I have no more time for myself/I feel strangled/I need some space.") While they value the relationship there still exist the need for independence, even of freedom. It could be jealousy rooted in selfishness ("you are mine alone/you belong only to me/who's that @#$%^&%$#$ smiling at you?".) Nothing could be more real than that.

Cloud 9 Isn't Forever

The point is, this is, theoretically, the cloud 9 stage where the partners try very hard to preserve the relationships especially when commitments have been made. Concessions are made at great pains. And, always - maybe almost always - it's the best side of the one that is being projected for the benefit of the other. Being reserved is the order of the day. Always the best foot forward, as they say. Ah, but the stage is being set for the one that follows.

Second Stage - the Disillusionment Stage.

This follows on the heels of the honeymoon stage. The scenario is like this: One morning you wake up, and you see this face on the pillow next to yours. Nostrils flare as the face breaths, snoring a little. For a moment you are disoriented. Where am I? Who is this face? What am I doing here? It was just for a moment anyway. Then you realize: "Ay, oo nga may asawa na pala ako." (Ooops! I forgot I'm already married.) Then, you look at the face again. Is this face really my asawa (spouse)? Sweetheart, the honeymoon is over. After living together for a period of time, all the artificiality of the honeymoon stage disappears under the carpet. You will now see the real person of the one you married. All those preening and coyness of courtship were acts of - let's face it - self-deception. Preening covers the imperfections of manhood, and coyness is a screen behind which somebody else lurks. Ano kaya?

Normally, the disillusionment stage is precipitated by an unpleasant event. Or, it could happen just like that. No warning. That's why you have to be prepared. How do you prepare? Why do you think I'm doing this? What could precipitate the DS? You called his office he's not there. "He's always there when I call. Where did he go?" He forgot your birthday. Oh, my gooseness! "After all these years he forgot my birthday!" You feel so unattractive because you are 3 months pregnant and your nose is so big, and you have all those pigmentation on your face and neck. "Oh, my God! It's not me. Who's this witch looking at me in the mirror? Eeeeeeeeek!!!"

Little disappointments pile up, which when taken singly don't mean a thing. Little things you overlooked before now gain significance. "I didn't know you have B.O." "And, you snore!", "Suddenly, you look so ugly!". (Why is his left foot quirky when he walks?) ( Ohh s-----t, he scattered his dirty socks again!)" As the song goes - "Little things mean a lot." Why? Because they pile up. And as they pile up you begin to notice more and more, because more and more of what is real keep popping up. After all, it's hard to maintain a facade. To be honest, you could feel really unhappy. This is where you might begin to regret your decision. "The person I married is not the person who wooed me! Oh, my God!" Am I trying to scare you? No. I'm telling you the reality of what it is. The fact is, if your relationship is strong it will survive anything. I tell you now, there is no escaping this stage. It will happen. If it does not happen, then something even worse is going on. You are ignoring each other! You pretend by mutual tacit consent that neither of you exists! You have now become escape artists. So, we move on to the next stage.

Stage Three - The Stage of Misery.

The scenario is this: you're so tired from work, you come home hungry, there's nothing to eat, and you have to cook. Then you see him sleeping on the couch. Suddenly, you exploded and something just short of the WW III erupted. Of course, he fights back. Nga-a ikaw lang ang kapoy haw? (You're not the only who's tired). He works too. Two jobs, sometimes three for the future of your family. The big question: Why did this happen? Remember Stage 2? All those things piling up? They were a disaster waiting to happen, and now it happened. At this point, you feel so miserable that a little spark could light the fuse.

Honey Works Better than Vinegar

Under ordinary circumstances you would go to him and probably tell him in a low voice, full of caring, concern, and love - "Are you tired? Are you hungry? Come on, help me cook dinner." What do you think would be his reaction, knowing full well that you are as tired as he is? He would probably give you a hug and say - "No, no, no, sweetheart, you rest now, I will do the cooking." But, we are not there yet. You still feel miserable, and you just exploded your bomb.

It is at this stage that marriages based on weak foundations fall apart. Couples split. Why? They simply could not stand the sight of one another. They fight all the time. If they don't fight, they sleep in separate rooms, talk to each other through intermediaries, they don't eat at the same table, they don't make love, and generally ignore each other. Tell me, as a sensible person, could you stand this "arrangement?" In many instances, either one or both find fulfillment elsewhere. Such fulfillment comes in many forms - a very, very expensive habit like shopping sprees, gambling, "drowning your sorrows" in alcohol or drugs, and the dreaded one of all - a lover.

But, you know what? Only immature people fall victims to Stage Three. Remember, I told you marriage is a never-ending process of adjustment? It is in stage 3 where you need most if not all of your skills in adjusting to each other. Tell me honestly now - could a person change? Dwell on that now as we proceed to the next stage.

Stage Four - The Awakening Stage.

Could a person change? What's your answer? Yes? No? Truth to tell, it is very difficult for a grown person to change completely because he or she is already set in his or her ways. But, I told you before, a normal sensible person is a mature person. Persons on the opposite side of the pole - if you look closely enough - are actually dysfunctional. Grown in years but, backward in outlook. These are the ones who change partners like they change jackets.

Change Happen Because You Willed It

On the other hand, a mature person, while he cannot change completely, works very hard at change even if it takes an entire lifetime. He backslides, yes, but he picks up where he falls and moves on. That, my dear, is what is life all about. A constant struggle to become a better person. If you go to church on Sunday, you'll understand what your priest keeps on telling you; your mission in life is to be holy. But, the priest doesn't tell you to be holy tomorrow - right away. To be holy - meaning to be a better person - you have to work every minute, every hour, every day , 24/7 to change and become that new person. Period.

The problem is, people tend to separate religion from everyday life. It's like - religion is good only on Sundays, and you concern yourself only with it when you are inside the building they call the church. Outside, you can do whatever you want, anyway you can go back to church on Sunday and try to look prim and proper again. Magpakasantos? Budlay na ya! (To be holy? That's tough man!) Right? Wrong! If the priest talks about being holy everytime you hear mass, put yourself in his shoes. He's got no choice. It's his job. He's a priest, for crying out loud. But, the simple message is - be a better person. Indi ka manglibak (don't talk trash of others), taha-on mo ang mga tigulang (respect the elderly), indi ka manghikay (don't belittle others), mag-paumod ka (be humble), don't be self-righteous (indi ka mag-mapatina-asta-ason), etc., etc. Some of the basic lessons. No hype. No religion. Just everyday issues.

If you understand what I'm saying and learn from it, you won't fall victims to Stage 3. It only happens to fools and immature persons. In Stage 4 you'll begin to realize that in order for the other person to change you have to initiate the change with yourself. You have to change yourself first. Really? Oh, yeah. You know what, sweetheart? Little changes that you make in your life are great strides toward becoming what you really are. Then, as these little changes occur in yourself you'll notice strange and beautiful things happening in your partner. As he sees you changing, he changes too. Ah, that's the beauty of Stage 4. You'll soon realize that change for the better is a mutual thing.

"There Must Be Something Wrong With Me....."

It's seems paradoxical, but consider this: If you see someone changing for the worst examine yourself first, then ask the question -"have I been a better person when I'm around this man or woman?" You'd be surprised at how often the behavior of the other person is simply a reaction to how you have behaved. It's hard. Yep! Set ways remember? Yet, this is the struggle to be holy. Act good and you'll be surprised at how even the most ugly person would react favorably to you.

In this stage, you begin to see the light. It's like waking up to a bright new day, and sets the stage for the most important phase of all.

Stage Five - The Stage of Maturity. It is sad to note that so many married couples never reach this stage. I hope and pray that you do. Be like Ronald and Nancy Reagan . Oh my! What a beautiful relationship up to the end. Don't be like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, or Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Pity.

The reality is, most of the time, couples get snagged in the interphase between stage 3 and stage 4. They survive by finding a surrogate to splint their dysfunctional relationship. Money for instance is a strong surrogate. Money can buy happiness, at least for a while. Or, they can mutually indulge a habit like gambling to take their minds off each other. Or, work! Strange, but work can be a sugar-coated poison pill of a surrogate. It can become a "valid excuse" to escape from the house. And, consequently escape from that other person "who gets on my nerves." You ever wonder why so many married people do drugs? Marriage has become a burden to them.

Anyway, at this stage given that you survived stage 3 and opened your eyes in stage 4, you will have grown emotionally. You will have a higher marital EQ, so to speak. Stage 5 is really a beautiful stage. It's like getting a second wind in marriage. It's realizing that - "I really love this person despite his imperfections. I know that it is difficult to make adjustments, and it is not easy to change. But, I will try very hard to be a better person. By so doing my mate will reciprocate my efforts knowing he is a sensible mature person. Together we can have a beautiful relationship which our children will be proud to copy and learn from. Sa totoo lang, alang-alang mo man na siya i-uli kay nanay ya kag tatay ya (Truth is, you cannot return/ exchange your mate like merchandize) . Stage 5 is actually like being in honeymoon again. The feeling of being able to accept a person for what he is and of being accepted for what you are cannot be expressed tangibly. It's something that's too much even for words to describe or define. "Palangga ta gid ka, kay... kay ..... kay .....ambot..... basta lang" (I really do love you and it would take forever to tell you how........ I don't even know where to start.)

It's Not the End Yet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So, when you've reached stage 5 do you stay there and live happily ever after? Nope. Not on your life. Do you know that the human person is like the lotus flower that is in constant state of unfolding? You see, the lotus flower never stops to unfold until it withers. A human person is like that; never stops growing until he or she dies. I'm not talking about aging. That's different. Unfolding in Ilonggo means "nagapamukadkad (blooming)." So, a person keeps on blooming until death. Now, if the person is constantly unfolding what happens? It's this: new aspects of the personality never before seen in a particular man or woman come out into the open. So you think you knew him well, hah? You'll be surprised. That's why I told you before, in the course of your marriage you will one day ask yourself -"Daw indi man ni amo ang gin-nobyo ko?" (Is this the same guy I fell for?) He's the same guy. The only thing is, you are seeing more and more of him with each passing day. Ti ikaw ya? Amo man, eh! (The same thing happens in your case -for him).

What happens next is that you may not like some aspects of your discovery . And, if you haven't learned anything about adjusting and compromising you'll end up fighting and squabbling. "Daw indi ka man amo na sang una?!! Nga-a subong nag-lain ka na haw?" (Why did you change now?) That's difficult to answer, because even the person concerned doesn't have answers. (Your Mommy N has a good reply though: "Ti mo!") So, you go through the cycle again. Back to dillusionment, to misery to etc., etc., etc. If your relationship is strong you'll survive cycle, after cycle, after cycle. Those who don't will say later - "I never really knew him or her." Ay, hangag. (Foolish, of course). If the person concerned cannot even claim to know himself/herself fully, ikaw pa? Napoleon Bonaparte once said -"The greatest conquest is the conquest of the Self." And, you can only conquer your Self if you have full knowledge of it.

Next we'll talk about "How to Fight Productively."