Fight in your bedroom........

I just realized that what I was telling my niece could probably be useful to others. Anyway, they can read the blog. Now, what I'm going to talk about will be for everybody, especially those with partners.

Rules for fighting.

1. Right place; in private. When you feel it coming, take a deep breath and wait. Take a look around. Where are you? In the park? In the restaurant? Out on the street? Are you in a party? Okay. You're a sensible person. Right? You don't want somebody to call the cops. Right? Don't ever start a fight in a public place. Who knows, the urge to fight just might go away. So, it's okay to fight in your house? Wait a minute. Are there other people around? Like your friends, maybe your kids, or relatives? Are they likely to hear you? Given your options. Do you still want to fight? If you feel it extremely necessary to fight, do it in the privacy of your bedroom. If you're living in an apartment with neighbors right next door, think long and hard before you do it. Considering the situation you are in, the best option would be not to fight. But, there is resentment and anger that need to be vented, so fighting becomes necessary. Get in the car. Drive to an empty parking lot. Leave the engine running. Close all windows. Turn on the aircon. Now. Scream at each other if you need to!

So why the all the fuss about privacy and being in the right place? Simply because fighting in public is a scandal, and you could go to jail. Second, when other people see you fighting, they tend to paint a different picture of the scene; actions are amplified, and words get more colorful. When the story gets out afterwards and you hear about it it seems a different script have been acted out. Then, you ask yourself, "Did I do that? Did I ever say that?" Chances are you didn't. But, then you already made an a-- of yourself fighting in public. The mind is a strange piece of work. It does something psychologists call closure. It provides "data" where it failed to grasp the totality of what it experienced. This "data" puts in the missing pieces and completes the picture. Or, it could be somebody who witnessed the fight is simply a class A gossip. Then, you are in big trouble.

2. Right time; never at 2'oclock in the morning. Have you ever experienced being roused from sleep at 2'0clock in the morning by a phone ringing? The experience of hearing two people loudly arguing is similar, but only much worse. Be considerate of other people trying to get some sleep . They have to go to work the next day. Try to postpone the fight. Take deep breathing exercises. Do Tai-chi in your sala; if you have a yard do it there. Get a drink of water. Whatever. Just don't blow your cool. When you do this, the emotional rush tapers off and gets sublimated in your head. Chances are the next day you'd be talking about your issues like two very sensible people. Warning! Don't let the issue simmer in your head for a long time. You wouldn't be able to think straight, and concentrate on your work. The sooner you let it out, the better. If you're calm enough to talk about it, do it in the park. Somewhere secluded where nobody is around. Follow rule number 1.

3. No violence; don't scratch, bite, kick, punch, no hair-pulling, and don't strangle each other. You know what? Animals of the lower order like - bulls, tigers, lions, etc., fight the only way they know how; mortal combat. Why? They can't talk. They can communicate, sure. But, when they're angry, the only way they can resolve whatever issues they have is to fight physically. And they have very limited issues. The most basic is power. With power comes control, territory, food, and choice of mate. Humans, on the other hand, have the power of speech. Meaning, we have the power to create pictures with words. We are rational beings. We can use our minds to project outcomes. But, why do we scratch? We are not tigers. Why do we bite? Are we lions? Why do we pull other people's hair? Are we cavepeople? Somehow, in fury we become what we are not. We become tigers, lions, and Neanderthals. Somehow, we fail to create a mental image of what will happen if we turn physically violent. Violence hurt people. Think for a moment who you are fighting. That person is your lifelong mate. You've said you love that person in front of so many witnesses. You swore to take care of and bear come what may with that person "for better or for worse." Could you ever find it in your heart to harm that person?

Let me say this, people who turn violent and lose the power of speech when they are angry reminds me of that somebody who killed his wife in a fit of jealous rage. He is a sicko. Now, you're getting my drift. Psychologists have a better term for people who hurt those they love. What I can say is, those who become violent when they are angry have an inherent incapacity to verbally express what they feel or think that words are not the effective means of expressing what they feel. Maybe, to them words are not enough. So, they act out what they feel. There could be a deeper reason behind this; lack of control; the feeling of a need to assert or reassert oneself. Since words are seemingly inadequate, the "best" thing is to be physical. And, something else happens in the minds of these people - the person closest to them (their mate) becomes the most immediate threat to their security! (More to follow.)