7.
Apologize and own up (if you are in the wrong). Pride makes it difficult to accept mistakes and say "I'm sorry." Why? It's because of the stupid notion that if you apologize and admit that you are wrong you become less of a person relative to the other. Apologizing makes you "smaller" than the other. Really? Well, let me tell you kid. In my 29 years as a married man I have never experienced an instance when my wife made me feel small when I apologized for making a mistake. The usual response? "I'm sorry too!" What happens afterwards is that both of you feel sooooooo relieved and light inside. And, you cannot "just forget about it. It's done. It's over." No way. Why? Because the pain would remain, and it would linger in the background like some hovering shadow. The more unspoken apologies you have means the more feeling of resentment and unforgiveness there are that were simply sublimated - pushed back into the backburners of the mind and heart. It's like liquid TNT that would explode at the slightest disturbance. Would you like your marriage to be a dance on tiptoes or would you rather waltz through it with a lot of fun and energy? Your choice.
8.
Forgive. For some reason, some people also find it hard to forgive. The only reason I can think of is - they want to get even. But, the truth is if the apology is sincere and really from the heart it is difficult not to forgive. Why? Sincerity can be felt. If somebody cannot forgive it's because there's no humility and contriteness behind the words, "I'm sorry.". At any rate, when apology is offered it must be accepted. Forgiveness officially ends the fight. If you cannot feel the sincerity behind the apology, you might need to discuss it at another level.
9.
Hold hands while fighting. This may seem crazy. How can you hold hands when you are in a fighting mood? Actually, seasoned fighters will know that a fight is impending. When they feel it coming they hold hands. Holding hands actually defuses the situation and what follows is then a sensible discussion of the issues. Why put it here at the end? Shouldn't this be rule # 1? Well, believe it or not, people choose to fight before anything. So, we need to give them some ground rules so they don't strangle each other "to death." But then, as you gain more experience with your kind of marriage (all marriages are not the same. Each one is unique to the couple or even to the person who is in it) you will instinctively know when you need to apply rule # 9.
10.
Make-up. What do I mean "make-up?" Okay. You just fought right? When you fight you create a rift in your union. Picture a married couple as that Yin-Yang Oriental symbol. It's a symbol of perfect balance. Where one is less the other is more, where one is weak the other is strong. There is complementarity, and harmony. Man and woman, in union, make each other complete. Marriage is like that. When you fight, no one is stronger than the other. You both lose. Fighting is simply a situation where both of you are weak. That is bad. Very bad. But, it cannot be helped. Sometimes it happens. Because of this, the harmonic balance is impaired. The more you fight, the more the balance suffers as the rift widens. It takes a great deal of effort to bridge the rift. In people who split there was never any balance to speak of in the first place. It was never there. Separation or divorce is simply the obvious picture of a hidden reality. Do you understand what I'm saying? People who split never had
it, in terms of marriage. There was no balance, no harmony, no complementarity, hence no give and take. It's a pity that so many miss this during courtship. Marriage is exactly that - give and take. Anyway, I digress. To go back. After a fight you need to restore the balance. To heal the rift. That's why you need to "make-up." How? Dinner? A night out? Movie? Maybe. Different strokes for different folks. But, it's not as simple as any of those. Healing takes a great deal of effort. Sometimes, it takes time. You need to make the first big step towards it. In my experience the best first step to making-up is to make love. So, make-up: make love. What's yours?
7. Apologize and own up (if you are in the wrong). Pride makes it difficult to accept mistakes and say "I'm sorry." Why? It's because of the stupid notion that if you apologize and admit that you are wrong you become less of a person relative to the other. Apologizing makes you "smaller" than the other. Really? Well, let me tell you kid. In my 29 years as a married man I have never experienced an instance when my wife made me feel small when I apologized for making a mistake. The usual response? "I'm sorry too!" What happens afterwards is that both of you feel sooooooo relieved and light inside. And, you cannot "just forget about it. It's done. It's over." No way. Why? Because the pain would remain, and it would linger in the background like some hovering shadow. The more unspoken apologies you have means the more feeling of resentment and unforgiveness there are that were simply sublimated - pushed back into the backburners of the mind and heart. It's like liquid TNT that would explode at the slightest disturbance. Would you like your marriage to be a dance on tiptoes or would you rather waltz through it with a lot of fun and energy? Your choice.
8. Forgive. For some reason, some people also find it hard to forgive. The only reason I can think of is - they want to get even. But, the truth is if the apology is sincere and really from the heart it is difficult not to forgive. Why? Sincerity can be felt. If somebody cannot forgive it's because there's no humility and contriteness behind the words, "I'm sorry.". At any rate, when apology is offered it must be accepted. Forgiveness officially ends the fight. If you cannot feel the sincerity behind the apology, you might need to discuss it at another level.
9. Hold hands while fighting. This may seem crazy. How can you hold hands when you are in a fighting mood? Actually, seasoned fighters will know that a fight is impending. When they feel it coming they hold hands. Holding hands actually defuses the situation and what follows is then a sensible discussion of the issues. Why put it here at the end? Shouldn't this be rule # 1? Well, believe it or not, people choose to fight before anything. So, we need to give them some ground rules so they don't strangle each other "to death." But then, as you gain more experience with your kind of marriage (all marriages are not the same. Each one is unique to the couple or even to the person who is in it) you will instinctively know when you need to apply rule # 9.
10. Make-up. What do I mean "make-up?" Okay. You just fought right? When you fight you create a rift in your union. Picture a married couple as that Yin-Yang Oriental symbol. It's a symbol of perfect balance. Where one is less the other is more, where one is weak the other is strong. There is complementarity, and harmony. Man and woman, in union, make each other complete. Marriage is like that. When you fight, no one is stronger than the other. You both lose. Fighting is simply a situation where both of you are weak. That is bad. Very bad. But, it cannot be helped. Sometimes it happens. Because of this, the harmonic balance is impaired. The more you fight, the more the balance suffers as the rift widens. It takes a great deal of effort to bridge the rift. In people who split there was never any balance to speak of in the first place. It was never there. Separation or divorce is simply the obvious picture of a hidden reality. Do you understand what I'm saying? People who split never had it, in terms of marriage. There was no balance, no harmony, no complementarity, hence no give and take. It's a pity that so many miss this during courtship. Marriage is exactly that - give and take. Anyway, I digress. To go back. After a fight you need to restore the balance. To heal the rift. That's why you need to "make-up." How? Dinner? A night out? Movie? Maybe. Different strokes for different folks. But, it's not as simple as any of those. Healing takes a great deal of effort. Sometimes, it takes time. You need to make the first big step towards it. In my experience the best first step to making-up is to make love. So, make-up: make love. What's yours?
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