Try a Little Tenderness,,,,,,

James Campbell

I

She maybe weary,
Women do get weary.
Wearing the same shabby dress (Making that old budget fit).
And, when she's weary,
Try a little tenderness.

II

Oh, she may be waiting.
Just anticipating,
Things she may never possess.
And, while she's without them,
Try a little tenderness.

III

It's not just sentimental,
She has her own griefs and cares.
But a word so soft and gentle,
Makes it easier to bear.

IV

You won't regret it,
Women don't forget it.
Love is their whole happiness,
And, it's all so easy,
Try a little tenderness.

V

Oh, a word so soft and gentle,
Makes everything easy to bear
You won't regret it.
Women don't forget it.
Love is their whole happiness.
And, it's all so easy,
Try a little tenderness.

VI

You gotta try.
You gotta hold her.
You gotta squeeze her.
You gotta try.
You gotta try,
To always please her.
You won't regret it.
Try a little tenderness......

(Note: Italics are mine.)

the world of opposites and contradictions......

We live in a world of opposites and contradictions. Sometimes we get frustrated when other people disagree with us, and we think that this world would be a happier place if only we would all see things the same way. But, that is not to be. The world was made the way it is; full of opposites and contradictions. And we are an integral part of the world.

There is land and there is water so then, there is solid and liquid. There is the sky and the realm below it so, there is high and low. Then, there is fire and ice. So, there is hot and cold. Where there are verdant fields there are also barren deserts. Can you think of something without an opposite?

So, now as an integral part of this world, people assume the contradictions in mind and body. Some are tall while some are short. Some are smart while some are stupid. Some are strong and some are weak. Some are beautiful and some are downright ugly (both in body and spirit).

It is contradiction that gives life color. Without it, it would be boring. Contrast gives spark to our existence. Imagine being in a desert where all you'll ever experience is the seemingly unending expanse of sand. What a lifeless world this would be if it were a desert.

Then again, what if the world were all green? Maybe if we were all born to that world we would accept it as normal. But, as humans wouldn't we have the innate longing for the blues and the browns? And yet, what if all we see were blues and browns? Or reds or yellows? Have we ever wondered why we have the colors of the rainbow? Or why we have the rainbow at all? I think it's obvious. It was just meant to be.

How about the people in this world? What if all of us think alike? What if this world is populated by men and women without any notion of dissent? Where there is only one thought. Where we all look alike, act alike, talk alike, walk alike, and even dress alike? A world of uniformity; of sameness. A world of zombies. A world of robots programmed for one single purpose. Is it the world that was meant to be?

For all humans who find themselves on this world, it is only natural to always look for the alternative. We were made that way. One thought has always another side to it. It is our destiny to look for it and find it.

Are we then doomed to a life of contradiction and conflict? No. Humans think. The human mind knows no boundaries. Where there is contradiction the mind seeks the common ground. And, from there new thoughts arise. For while it is true that for every thesis there is an anti-thesis, it is also true that where there exists a conflict between thesis and anti-thesis there is always a synthesis. In this world of contradictions and opposites that process never ends. If it does, there would be chaos.

More rules

7. Apologize and own up (if you are in the wrong). Pride makes it difficult to accept mistakes and say "I'm sorry." Why? It's because of the stupid notion that if you apologize and admit that you are wrong you become less of a person relative to the other. Apologizing makes you "smaller" than the other. Really? Well, let me tell you kid. In my 29 years as a married man I have never experienced an instance when my wife made me feel small when I apologized for making a mistake. The usual response? "I'm sorry too!" What happens afterwards is that both of you feel sooooooo relieved and light inside. And, you cannot "just forget about it. It's done. It's over." No way. Why? Because the pain would remain, and it would linger in the background like some hovering shadow. The more unspoken apologies you have means the more feeling of resentment and unforgiveness there are that were simply sublimated - pushed back into the backburners of the mind and heart. It's like liquid TNT that would explode at the slightest disturbance. Would you like your marriage to be a dance on tiptoes or would you rather waltz through it with a lot of fun and energy? Your choice.

8. Forgive. For some reason, some people also find it hard to forgive. The only reason I can think of is - they want to get even. But, the truth is if the apology is sincere and really from the heart it is difficult not to forgive. Why? Sincerity can be felt. If somebody cannot forgive it's because there's no humility and contriteness behind the words, "I'm sorry.". At any rate, when apology is offered it must be accepted. Forgiveness officially ends the fight. If you cannot feel the sincerity behind the apology, you might need to discuss it at another level.

9. Hold hands while fighting. This may seem crazy. How can you hold hands when you are in a fighting mood? Actually, seasoned fighters will know that a fight is impending. When they feel it coming they hold hands. Holding hands actually defuses the situation and what follows is then a sensible discussion of the issues. Why put it here at the end? Shouldn't this be rule # 1? Well, believe it or not, people choose to fight before anything. So, we need to give them some ground rules so they don't strangle each other "to death." But then, as you gain more experience with your kind of marriage (all marriages are not the same. Each one is unique to the couple or even to the person who is in it) you will instinctively know when you need to apply rule # 9.

10. Make-up. What do I mean "make-up?" Okay. You just fought right? When you fight you create a rift in your union. Picture a married couple as that Yin-Yang Oriental symbol. It's a symbol of perfect balance. Where one is less the other is more, where one is weak the other is strong. There is complementarity, and harmony. Man and woman, in union, make each other complete. Marriage is like that. When you fight, no one is stronger than the other. You both lose. Fighting is simply a situation where both of you are weak. That is bad. Very bad. But, it cannot be helped. Sometimes it happens. Because of this, the harmonic balance is impaired. The more you fight, the more the balance suffers as the rift widens. It takes a great deal of effort to bridge the rift. In people who split there was never any balance to speak of in the first place. It was never there. Separation or divorce is simply the obvious picture of a hidden reality. Do you understand what I'm saying? People who split never had it, in terms of marriage. There was no balance, no harmony, no complementarity, hence no give and take. It's a pity that so many miss this during courtship. Marriage is exactly that - give and take. Anyway, I digress. To go back. After a fight you need to restore the balance. To heal the rift. That's why you need to "make-up." How? Dinner? A night out? Movie? Maybe. Different strokes for different folks. But, it's not as simple as any of those. Healing takes a great deal of effort. Sometimes, it takes time. You need to make the first big step towards it. In my experience the best first step to making-up is to make love. So, make-up: make love. What's yours?

More on the Rules of Productive Fighting ..............

4. Don't talk trash; don't call each other names........ like - you're a POS, you look like a @#%&*, you're a liar, you're a pig. Or words that tend to put down and demean the other. If your partner is a liar, or a pig why did you marry him/her? The things you say in anger actually boomerangs and makes you look stupid. Talking trash is verbal violence. It hurts the person in a deeper way. It strikes at the core, the persona, the gut. Words spoken that hurt the persona are never forgotten even if forgiven. When things go bad between you and your mate, as they sometimes do, hurting words are remembered and the pain recurs. Be very careful with the words you use. To tell the truth, cuss words are a shade better than put-down words, because they are generic, in a manner of speaking. In fact, many cuss words in our dialect are utterly meaningless. Put down words, on the other hand are personal and really fully loaded. Be very careful. Words like these build resentment. An overload of resentment breeds contempt. When contempt enters the picture mutual respect disappears, and relationships become shallow. Then, civility is all that holds you together. And, hyprocrisy reigns supreme!

5. Stick to the issue at hand: Never dig up issues of past conflicts. What's the logic here? If you keep digging up past issues you cannot resolve the fight quickly. The point of open conflict is to air out your differences so you could end it. The sooner the better. The problem is, when people fight they suddenly remember past wrongs - real or imagined (mostly imagined.) They feel that the only way to exact justice for the "wrong" done to them is to linger in the fight by digging more and more in the hope of making the other party miserable! Jeez! Really? Could the bones of past conflicts be used as weapons to fight the current war? Nope. It does not happen that way. The more you dig, the more you become miserable. Why? As you dig some more, more of the pain associated with past conflicts come up to hurt you. So, you enter a cycle of - dig - pain, dig - pain, dig - pain - and on , and on, and on. If you are the type that works like a broken record you may never get out of the rut. Ah, sweetheart believe me. You don't want to be a martyr. You're not a pain junkie. Although some people are. The martyrs linger in the rut to feed their syndrome. There are no winners in a prolonged conflict. Since you are both trying hard to build a beautiful relationship, you both lose if you fail here.

6. Do not retreat: Face up to the issue, and finish the fight. Generally, husbands are good at this game. But, it is counterproductive. Retreating from the conflict leaves it hanging in the air. What are you gonna do, postpone it? What about that simmering feeling deep down? Indi mo ni pwede kapan-kapanon. (You cannot sweep this under the rug.) That's the work of an escape artist. But, why do many husbands "escape" from an open conflict? They do it when their wives start to nag. Husbands who cannot get in one word when their wives start to nag feel verbally impotent. Some turn their wives into punching bags (physical expression of unvoiced emotions), some shout louder to drown out the other (of course, when one gets louder, the other tries to be even louder). Still others just leave the scene of battle. Some use alcohol seemingly to "forget the problem." (Wouldn't work). Some just brood. (Wouldn't work either). Getting drunk does not solve the problem because when the alcohol wears off the problem is still there. Brooding, on the other hand, simply aggravates the feeling of anger and resentment. When you brood you dwell more and more on the problem. When the conflicting partners do not resolve the issue by retreating, it festers like a canker sore. The longer it festers the more problematic it gets. That's why so many fights last for months even years. Those who fail to resolve conflicts just decide to call it quits, and split. Irreconcilable differences, indeed! Or is it simply selfishness? (More to follow).

Fight in your bedroom........

I just realized that what I was telling my niece could probably be useful to others. Anyway, they can read the blog. Now, what I'm going to talk about will be for everybody, especially those with partners.

Rules for fighting.

1. Right place; in private. When you feel it coming, take a deep breath and wait. Take a look around. Where are you? In the park? In the restaurant? Out on the street? Are you in a party? Okay. You're a sensible person. Right? You don't want somebody to call the cops. Right? Don't ever start a fight in a public place. Who knows, the urge to fight just might go away. So, it's okay to fight in your house? Wait a minute. Are there other people around? Like your friends, maybe your kids, or relatives? Are they likely to hear you? Given your options. Do you still want to fight? If you feel it extremely necessary to fight, do it in the privacy of your bedroom. If you're living in an apartment with neighbors right next door, think long and hard before you do it. Considering the situation you are in, the best option would be not to fight. But, there is resentment and anger that need to be vented, so fighting becomes necessary. Get in the car. Drive to an empty parking lot. Leave the engine running. Close all windows. Turn on the aircon. Now. Scream at each other if you need to!

So why the all the fuss about privacy and being in the right place? Simply because fighting in public is a scandal, and you could go to jail. Second, when other people see you fighting, they tend to paint a different picture of the scene; actions are amplified, and words get more colorful. When the story gets out afterwards and you hear about it it seems a different script have been acted out. Then, you ask yourself, "Did I do that? Did I ever say that?" Chances are you didn't. But, then you already made an a-- of yourself fighting in public. The mind is a strange piece of work. It does something psychologists call closure. It provides "data" where it failed to grasp the totality of what it experienced. This "data" puts in the missing pieces and completes the picture. Or, it could be somebody who witnessed the fight is simply a class A gossip. Then, you are in big trouble.

2. Right time; never at 2'oclock in the morning. Have you ever experienced being roused from sleep at 2'0clock in the morning by a phone ringing? The experience of hearing two people loudly arguing is similar, but only much worse. Be considerate of other people trying to get some sleep . They have to go to work the next day. Try to postpone the fight. Take deep breathing exercises. Do Tai-chi in your sala; if you have a yard do it there. Get a drink of water. Whatever. Just don't blow your cool. When you do this, the emotional rush tapers off and gets sublimated in your head. Chances are the next day you'd be talking about your issues like two very sensible people. Warning! Don't let the issue simmer in your head for a long time. You wouldn't be able to think straight, and concentrate on your work. The sooner you let it out, the better. If you're calm enough to talk about it, do it in the park. Somewhere secluded where nobody is around. Follow rule number 1.

3. No violence; don't scratch, bite, kick, punch, no hair-pulling, and don't strangle each other. You know what? Animals of the lower order like - bulls, tigers, lions, etc., fight the only way they know how; mortal combat. Why? They can't talk. They can communicate, sure. But, when they're angry, the only way they can resolve whatever issues they have is to fight physically. And they have very limited issues. The most basic is power. With power comes control, territory, food, and choice of mate. Humans, on the other hand, have the power of speech. Meaning, we have the power to create pictures with words. We are rational beings. We can use our minds to project outcomes. But, why do we scratch? We are not tigers. Why do we bite? Are we lions? Why do we pull other people's hair? Are we cavepeople? Somehow, in fury we become what we are not. We become tigers, lions, and Neanderthals. Somehow, we fail to create a mental image of what will happen if we turn physically violent. Violence hurt people. Think for a moment who you are fighting. That person is your lifelong mate. You've said you love that person in front of so many witnesses. You swore to take care of and bear come what may with that person "for better or for worse." Could you ever find it in your heart to harm that person?

Let me say this, people who turn violent and lose the power of speech when they are angry reminds me of that somebody who killed his wife in a fit of jealous rage. He is a sicko. Now, you're getting my drift. Psychologists have a better term for people who hurt those they love. What I can say is, those who become violent when they are angry have an inherent incapacity to verbally express what they feel or think that words are not the effective means of expressing what they feel. Maybe, to them words are not enough. So, they act out what they feel. There could be a deeper reason behind this; lack of control; the feeling of a need to assert or reassert oneself. Since words are seemingly inadequate, the "best" thing is to be physical. And, something else happens in the minds of these people - the person closest to them (their mate) becomes the most immediate threat to their security! (More to follow.)

For my niece............

You're about to get married. It would be nice for you to know some things about marriage. This is especially for you L M. (Perhaps, you could share this with K?)

Basically, marriage is a process that begins when the two of you meet for the first time. Why is it a process? It is a process for the simple reason that it is something that you work on, and you have to follow certain methods or principles to make it work. Generally a process has a start and a finish. With marriage though, while it may have to start somewhere, there is no ending to it. It is, as with many other things, a lifelong process.

So, what takes place when you two meet? Well, obviously, you begin to study each other; little things like - how your future mate walks, smiles, talks, how he gestures. For his part, he does the same thing. Then as the relationship deepens, the process gets more complicated. The intellect and emotion come into play, and more intensive study and observation take place. Mutual vibrations are an important factor here. Do you feel good when he is around? Is it true for him?

To Think Is To Create

When you start to study your feelings toward him you will realize that love is not just a matter of emotion. More precisely, it is a decision. Why? You cannot use your emotion for rational thought. You have to use your head. When your intellect goes to work, a lot of questions pop up in your head. Like -"when I turn 50 will he still love me? When I grow fat will I still be appealing to him?" Crazy? Well, let me tell you the mind asks a lot of questions and most of them are crazy!"Will he be able to provide for me and our kids later on? Can I sustain my love for him when he is old and gray?" Remember, marriage is a partnership for keeps. Those who got divorced didn't know what they were getting into in the first place. The truth is, if they followed the process closely and maintained a healthy balance between the intellect and emotion they wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. These people simply used their emotions more than their intellect.

One important process you have to follow in studying your mate is picturization. Picture now in your mind (the mind again! your emotion cannot do this) how your mate would look like 25-30 years from now. Then, having that mental picture try to focus on it (is he fat and ugly? sloppy? thin and sickly? still vibrant and strong? still wearing that beautiful smile despite the years?" Now, ANALYSE your feelings about that picture because the person that you see in your mind's EYE is your lifelong mate, and that person would look exactly like that when the time comes. Remember, we create with our minds and nothing happens by chance. Things happen the way they do because we WILLED them so.


Marriages Are Made on Earth Not In Heaven

Another thing you should know is that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. You have to work hard to make it perfect. By that I don't mean perfect perfect. It simply means that for your own purposes it is working. Some couples appear to enjoy married life more than others. Are their marriages perfect? No. They're just good in making their marriages work. Imagine joining together two persons from diverse backgrounds, different family cultures, each with unique habits, likes and dislikes, each with different sets of values, maybe each with different ambitions, maybe even different intellectual levels. People, even those who share many things in common, look at the world from different perspectives. One of these factors alone could be a potential source of conflict. When two unique individuals are made to live together, the individuality of one will seek its own light and will inevitably clash with the individuality of the other. When that happens, fireworks could occur.

You still wonder why you fight? It's a normal thing. What is not normal is when you fail to make adjustments. And, this is one more thing you should understand. Marriage is a never-ending process of adjusting to each other. Adjusting and making compromises. This is why selfishness has no place in marriage. If you're used to having your own way while still single, you have to learn to give when you're married. Later, you'll see that those words being recited by the priests when you exchange vows are not empty phrases. They are full of meaning, and if you take them to heart you'll have a better chance of making your marriage work for the two of you.

Male - Female Differences

Part of the adjusting process involves knowing that a man and a woman act and react differently to situations, events, and stimuli. Why? Simply because they are made differently - a man is masculine and a woman is feminine. Although all human persons are androgynous (a normal person has both the masculine and feminine aspects), a man is predominantly masculine and a woman is predominantly feminine. This means that their physical, mental, emotional, and psychological make-ups are different. Feminine and masculine are simply worlds apart. Now, if either assumes that just because one feels, or thinks this way, then the other should feel, and think that way too then the situation is primed for disaster. It just doesn't work out that way.

Let's take this issue a bit further, and maybe digress a bit. On the physical aspect, man is stronger and woman is weaker (I'm speaking in general terms - no need to philosophize). Man has muscles; woman has curves. Now, try to understand why this is so. In the natural course of events ( as nature intended!), man is suppose to be the protector of woman. That's why man is physically stronger than woman.

Going deeper into the issue of physical differences, man has a different genital and reproductive structure than woman. Again, why? You need to go back to the good old book. Assuming you have a Bible, read Genesis, Chapter I, verse 28 where it says, "God blessed them (First man and woman) saying, 'Be fertile and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion etc. etc'....." Could God or the Bible be more explicit than that? That is a Divine admonition or better still, a command from God. That should put to rest the hot issue of why can't ...... forget it. That's another topic. The point is, the primary purpose of marriage is procreation (having children). This means that as husband and wife you are now co-creators with God in the act of creation. You have the power to co-create through the reproductive process each given your unique physical attributes. If people don't follow this command mankind would be extinct, or worse children that will replenish humanity will be born out of test tubes. Then, sex would be just that- sex. A word. Maybe something to act out, perhaps, enjoy at your leisure. When this happens the human person would be no more than ......... never mind.

The Stages

Okay. Now, more on the technical side. Marriage goes through a cycle that begins with courtship and goes round and round. . . . . .

First Stage - the Honeymoon Stage. As I said earlier, part of this stage is courtship, where you go on dates, outings, when only the two of you spend time together to get to know each other better. It's the time when you made plans for your future together; how many kids you're gonna have; where do you send them to school. Where you plan to set up residence, SoCal or maybe Alaska? (You didn't go into this? Come on!) It's not just the honeymoon where you go to Vegas, or Niagara Falls, or on a cruise around the Carribbean. The honeymoon stage is either long or short depending on how soon you got married after your steady days. Part of it of course is the preparation for the wedding, and the wedding ceremony itself. Then after the honeymoon proper it could extend for a period of time depending on how soon the shocking reality of married life strikes you full blast in the face.

Some experts say that the honeymoon stage is an artificial stage because much of what happens between the partners take place within the boundaries of courtship. Courtship is like.. ..... have you seen a rooster trying to make out with a hen? Courtship is basically like that. Although "marriage" is expressed in a different manner, the modality is similar. After the wooing, the female yields and the "fun" (the wedding/ marriage) takes place. Something like that. The point is, the rooster is showing off, preening, flapping it's wings, crowing -( whatever) ; the male of the specie displaying his best devil-may-care posture, as if to say "if you don't want me, there are others better", and the hen, the female, plays coy - running away, playing hard to get, trying to safeguard the treasure of the feminine. Here lies the artificiality. Behind all these "fooling around" is the basic need for intimacy.

But, I don't fully subscribe to this. While this maybe true in the earlier stages, courtship gets real the moment the partners begin to make plans and assume the posture of possession (the act of owning each other). When they fight it becomes more real. Fighting in this instance could be due to a conflict of interest ("you have no more time for me/I have no more time for myself/I feel strangled/I need some space.") While they value the relationship there still exist the need for independence, even of freedom. It could be jealousy rooted in selfishness ("you are mine alone/you belong only to me/who's that @#$%^&%$#$ smiling at you?".) Nothing could be more real than that.

Cloud 9 Isn't Forever

The point is, this is, theoretically, the cloud 9 stage where the partners try very hard to preserve the relationships especially when commitments have been made. Concessions are made at great pains. And, always - maybe almost always - it's the best side of the one that is being projected for the benefit of the other. Being reserved is the order of the day. Always the best foot forward, as they say. Ah, but the stage is being set for the one that follows.

Second Stage - the Disillusionment Stage.

This follows on the heels of the honeymoon stage. The scenario is like this: One morning you wake up, and you see this face on the pillow next to yours. Nostrils flare as the face breaths, snoring a little. For a moment you are disoriented. Where am I? Who is this face? What am I doing here? It was just for a moment anyway. Then you realize: "Ay, oo nga may asawa na pala ako." (Ooops! I forgot I'm already married.) Then, you look at the face again. Is this face really my asawa (spouse)? Sweetheart, the honeymoon is over. After living together for a period of time, all the artificiality of the honeymoon stage disappears under the carpet. You will now see the real person of the one you married. All those preening and coyness of courtship were acts of - let's face it - self-deception. Preening covers the imperfections of manhood, and coyness is a screen behind which somebody else lurks. Ano kaya?

Normally, the disillusionment stage is precipitated by an unpleasant event. Or, it could happen just like that. No warning. That's why you have to be prepared. How do you prepare? Why do you think I'm doing this? What could precipitate the DS? You called his office he's not there. "He's always there when I call. Where did he go?" He forgot your birthday. Oh, my gooseness! "After all these years he forgot my birthday!" You feel so unattractive because you are 3 months pregnant and your nose is so big, and you have all those pigmentation on your face and neck. "Oh, my God! It's not me. Who's this witch looking at me in the mirror? Eeeeeeeeek!!!"

Little disappointments pile up, which when taken singly don't mean a thing. Little things you overlooked before now gain significance. "I didn't know you have B.O." "And, you snore!", "Suddenly, you look so ugly!". (Why is his left foot quirky when he walks?) ( Ohh s-----t, he scattered his dirty socks again!)" As the song goes - "Little things mean a lot." Why? Because they pile up. And as they pile up you begin to notice more and more, because more and more of what is real keep popping up. After all, it's hard to maintain a facade. To be honest, you could feel really unhappy. This is where you might begin to regret your decision. "The person I married is not the person who wooed me! Oh, my God!" Am I trying to scare you? No. I'm telling you the reality of what it is. The fact is, if your relationship is strong it will survive anything. I tell you now, there is no escaping this stage. It will happen. If it does not happen, then something even worse is going on. You are ignoring each other! You pretend by mutual tacit consent that neither of you exists! You have now become escape artists. So, we move on to the next stage.

Stage Three - The Stage of Misery.

The scenario is this: you're so tired from work, you come home hungry, there's nothing to eat, and you have to cook. Then you see him sleeping on the couch. Suddenly, you exploded and something just short of the WW III erupted. Of course, he fights back. Nga-a ikaw lang ang kapoy haw? (You're not the only who's tired). He works too. Two jobs, sometimes three for the future of your family. The big question: Why did this happen? Remember Stage 2? All those things piling up? They were a disaster waiting to happen, and now it happened. At this point, you feel so miserable that a little spark could light the fuse.

Honey Works Better than Vinegar

Under ordinary circumstances you would go to him and probably tell him in a low voice, full of caring, concern, and love - "Are you tired? Are you hungry? Come on, help me cook dinner." What do you think would be his reaction, knowing full well that you are as tired as he is? He would probably give you a hug and say - "No, no, no, sweetheart, you rest now, I will do the cooking." But, we are not there yet. You still feel miserable, and you just exploded your bomb.

It is at this stage that marriages based on weak foundations fall apart. Couples split. Why? They simply could not stand the sight of one another. They fight all the time. If they don't fight, they sleep in separate rooms, talk to each other through intermediaries, they don't eat at the same table, they don't make love, and generally ignore each other. Tell me, as a sensible person, could you stand this "arrangement?" In many instances, either one or both find fulfillment elsewhere. Such fulfillment comes in many forms - a very, very expensive habit like shopping sprees, gambling, "drowning your sorrows" in alcohol or drugs, and the dreaded one of all - a lover.

But, you know what? Only immature people fall victims to Stage Three. Remember, I told you marriage is a never-ending process of adjustment? It is in stage 3 where you need most if not all of your skills in adjusting to each other. Tell me honestly now - could a person change? Dwell on that now as we proceed to the next stage.

Stage Four - The Awakening Stage.

Could a person change? What's your answer? Yes? No? Truth to tell, it is very difficult for a grown person to change completely because he or she is already set in his or her ways. But, I told you before, a normal sensible person is a mature person. Persons on the opposite side of the pole - if you look closely enough - are actually dysfunctional. Grown in years but, backward in outlook. These are the ones who change partners like they change jackets.

Change Happen Because You Willed It

On the other hand, a mature person, while he cannot change completely, works very hard at change even if it takes an entire lifetime. He backslides, yes, but he picks up where he falls and moves on. That, my dear, is what is life all about. A constant struggle to become a better person. If you go to church on Sunday, you'll understand what your priest keeps on telling you; your mission in life is to be holy. But, the priest doesn't tell you to be holy tomorrow - right away. To be holy - meaning to be a better person - you have to work every minute, every hour, every day , 24/7 to change and become that new person. Period.

The problem is, people tend to separate religion from everyday life. It's like - religion is good only on Sundays, and you concern yourself only with it when you are inside the building they call the church. Outside, you can do whatever you want, anyway you can go back to church on Sunday and try to look prim and proper again. Magpakasantos? Budlay na ya! (To be holy? That's tough man!) Right? Wrong! If the priest talks about being holy everytime you hear mass, put yourself in his shoes. He's got no choice. It's his job. He's a priest, for crying out loud. But, the simple message is - be a better person. Indi ka manglibak (don't talk trash of others), taha-on mo ang mga tigulang (respect the elderly), indi ka manghikay (don't belittle others), mag-paumod ka (be humble), don't be self-righteous (indi ka mag-mapatina-asta-ason), etc., etc. Some of the basic lessons. No hype. No religion. Just everyday issues.

If you understand what I'm saying and learn from it, you won't fall victims to Stage 3. It only happens to fools and immature persons. In Stage 4 you'll begin to realize that in order for the other person to change you have to initiate the change with yourself. You have to change yourself first. Really? Oh, yeah. You know what, sweetheart? Little changes that you make in your life are great strides toward becoming what you really are. Then, as these little changes occur in yourself you'll notice strange and beautiful things happening in your partner. As he sees you changing, he changes too. Ah, that's the beauty of Stage 4. You'll soon realize that change for the better is a mutual thing.

"There Must Be Something Wrong With Me....."

It's seems paradoxical, but consider this: If you see someone changing for the worst examine yourself first, then ask the question -"have I been a better person when I'm around this man or woman?" You'd be surprised at how often the behavior of the other person is simply a reaction to how you have behaved. It's hard. Yep! Set ways remember? Yet, this is the struggle to be holy. Act good and you'll be surprised at how even the most ugly person would react favorably to you.

In this stage, you begin to see the light. It's like waking up to a bright new day, and sets the stage for the most important phase of all.

Stage Five - The Stage of Maturity. It is sad to note that so many married couples never reach this stage. I hope and pray that you do. Be like Ronald and Nancy Reagan . Oh my! What a beautiful relationship up to the end. Don't be like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, or Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Pity.

The reality is, most of the time, couples get snagged in the interphase between stage 3 and stage 4. They survive by finding a surrogate to splint their dysfunctional relationship. Money for instance is a strong surrogate. Money can buy happiness, at least for a while. Or, they can mutually indulge a habit like gambling to take their minds off each other. Or, work! Strange, but work can be a sugar-coated poison pill of a surrogate. It can become a "valid excuse" to escape from the house. And, consequently escape from that other person "who gets on my nerves." You ever wonder why so many married people do drugs? Marriage has become a burden to them.

Anyway, at this stage given that you survived stage 3 and opened your eyes in stage 4, you will have grown emotionally. You will have a higher marital EQ, so to speak. Stage 5 is really a beautiful stage. It's like getting a second wind in marriage. It's realizing that - "I really love this person despite his imperfections. I know that it is difficult to make adjustments, and it is not easy to change. But, I will try very hard to be a better person. By so doing my mate will reciprocate my efforts knowing he is a sensible mature person. Together we can have a beautiful relationship which our children will be proud to copy and learn from. Sa totoo lang, alang-alang mo man na siya i-uli kay nanay ya kag tatay ya (Truth is, you cannot return/ exchange your mate like merchandize) . Stage 5 is actually like being in honeymoon again. The feeling of being able to accept a person for what he is and of being accepted for what you are cannot be expressed tangibly. It's something that's too much even for words to describe or define. "Palangga ta gid ka, kay... kay ..... kay .....ambot..... basta lang" (I really do love you and it would take forever to tell you how........ I don't even know where to start.)

It's Not the End Yet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So, when you've reached stage 5 do you stay there and live happily ever after? Nope. Not on your life. Do you know that the human person is like the lotus flower that is in constant state of unfolding? You see, the lotus flower never stops to unfold until it withers. A human person is like that; never stops growing until he or she dies. I'm not talking about aging. That's different. Unfolding in Ilonggo means "nagapamukadkad (blooming)." So, a person keeps on blooming until death. Now, if the person is constantly unfolding what happens? It's this: new aspects of the personality never before seen in a particular man or woman come out into the open. So you think you knew him well, hah? You'll be surprised. That's why I told you before, in the course of your marriage you will one day ask yourself -"Daw indi man ni amo ang gin-nobyo ko?" (Is this the same guy I fell for?) He's the same guy. The only thing is, you are seeing more and more of him with each passing day. Ti ikaw ya? Amo man, eh! (The same thing happens in your case -for him).

What happens next is that you may not like some aspects of your discovery . And, if you haven't learned anything about adjusting and compromising you'll end up fighting and squabbling. "Daw indi ka man amo na sang una?!! Nga-a subong nag-lain ka na haw?" (Why did you change now?) That's difficult to answer, because even the person concerned doesn't have answers. (Your Mommy N has a good reply though: "Ti mo!") So, you go through the cycle again. Back to dillusionment, to misery to etc., etc., etc. If your relationship is strong you'll survive cycle, after cycle, after cycle. Those who don't will say later - "I never really knew him or her." Ay, hangag. (Foolish, of course). If the person concerned cannot even claim to know himself/herself fully, ikaw pa? Napoleon Bonaparte once said -"The greatest conquest is the conquest of the Self." And, you can only conquer your Self if you have full knowledge of it.

Next we'll talk about "How to Fight Productively."

We all contribute to the creation of the fabric of history.....

Imagine, if you will, history as a gigantic tapestry of human events. All human acts, big or small, monumental or mundane, seen or unseen are indelibly etched into this tapestry. This is an endless work-in-process. It will only be finished when humanity is no longer around to continue working on it. Perhaps, some other beings somewhere in the universe will have the opportunity to view our handiwork. We humans will never have the chance to see the totality of what we have wrought.

This tapestry is imperfect. It is seriously flawed. A perfect tapestry would have a harmony of colors flowing along in a smooth pattern the way its creator intended it. But history has many authors, thus its fabric is a work of multiple hands. Some are well-intentioned some are not. So, where there is a harmony of colors you see splashes of reds, or blacks that don't belong. Still, our tapestry is what it is, as history cannot be rewritten.

A commendable deed will go into the tapestry of human events as a beautiful thread - a thread to offset the ugly splashes of reds and blacks. Each day an act of kindness, of charity, a cheerful smile, a helping hand, a kind word, even a nice thought all go into the tapestry in a wonderful way. On the other hand, an evil act makes more and more ugly splashes of reds and blacks like cans of paint thrown into an immaculate wall.

At the end of the day, you should ask yourself - "How has my day been? Have my actions been beautiful threads or ugly splashes of black and red?"

Here is where it all begins.......

It's been said that "home is where the heart is." I'd like to think this is true. You may travel far and wide, you may not even go back to where you came from, but somewhere inside you is a longing for home. Maybe at the moment of truth, when your entire existence flashes before you, I'll bet it would be mostly images of your childhood in your home sweet home.

But, more importantly, the "home is the cradle of human civilization", it is where the human person is nurtured, cared for and made to feel love and value as a human being. When the homes got messed- up at the start, the end result would be a messed-up society of individuals. It is simply cause and effect. The violence you experience in the streets and all anti-social acts aimed at making human life miserable in general traced their roots in the homes. Those responsible for making them a place of love, care and respect just made a mess. A crime is simply an act of releasing pent up anger, and the anger is an anger at being deprived of what one ought to have had. A criminal act is thus, an act of getting even. In many ways, the criminal is still a child hungering for what it had not experienced: attention. Now, the criminal is getting all the attention he can get.

Work and Career Do Not Favor the Entrepreneurial Spirit

While I was growing up, I was often told to -"get an education and get a job." No one in my family ever told me to -"get an education and make money." It appeared to me then that education and employment go hand in hand. It was as if one can not be without the other. While I was going through the prospectus in preparation for college, I noticed that the courses were mostly designed for employment; banking and finance, for graduates to start off as tellers; accounting, for graduates to work as bookkeepers; nursing for graduates to work in hospitals. There were of course courses designed for private practice like law and medicine. But, at the time, my family could not afford them. So I ended up taking Liberal Arts.

Lest my thoughts are taken out of context, may I say now that I am not against work. We all have to work to earn a living - whether for our own selves or for others. My point is, our cultural orientation is heavily biased in favor of "being educated in order to find employment." Meaning that, in a strict sense, our education is not for our sole benefit but -in a larger sense- for the employers who will hire us. So, many of the graduates end up working to make others rich and not to make profit for their own selves. There should have been more courses designed to teach students how to start their own business. You know, like an even playing field? Was there fear that if more graduates ended up as entrepreneurs no one would man the industries? I doubt it. Society would have adapted beautifully to the situation. And, there would have been less people that are unemployed.